Category Archives: InsideOut

Dancing…

I really miss the good old day when i was able to pour my heart out instantly in this blog. The excitement i felt when an idea popped out, and the urge to jot it down and share it. I tried to finish my deadlines as soon as i possibly could, ‘just’ to blog.

Most of the time, it was silly and often embarrassing. I shrugged every time i re-visited my old writings. But somehow, re-reading my old stuff, i feel the writings are glowing. With passion. There is some kind of freedom. And freshness. A whole different world, really.

Writing here, unedited, was my kind of dancing-like-no-one’s-watching. What’s yours?

 

Blast From The Past

Sesungguhnya sedikit nostalgia membuat bahagia 🙂

Dan malam ini aku terbang ke masa-masa hormon remaja masih bergelora. Kendaraannya adalah lirik lagu ‘No Pressure Over Cappucino’-nya Alanis Morissette, yang ditemukan di sebuah file berisi tulisan-tulisan lama. It was one really good song from the Unplugged album (1999).

Alanis was my hero growing up. Ia bukan hanya saja rocker dengan suara khas, tapi juga penulis yang mumpuni. Lirik lagunya puitis dan penuh makna, meskipun dulu aku tak punya cukup referensi untuk paham apa itu chardonnay, atau emm… 69. Album ‘Jagged Little Pill’ (1995) adalah album penuh kemarahan dan kesedihan. Tapi, ia mengatakannya dengan cara yang indah.  

Aku hafal isi album itu luar kepala. Setiap intro. Setiap refrain. Setiap cengkok dan teriakan menyayat khasnya. Aku ikut marah di ‘You Oughta Know’, meskipun waktu itu belum tau rasanya patah hati. Ikut teriak-teriak sok rebellious bersama ‘All I Really Want’. Seyum-senyum sembari menerka-nerka bagaimana rasanya jatuh cinta mendengarkan ‘Head Over Feet’. Dan gongnya, adalah mendengarkan ‘Perfect’, sebagai soundtrack dari semua kesedihan yang diakibatkan oleh pertengkaran dengan si Mama. Oh. Drama!

Kalau teman sebaya mengoleksi poster boyband, aku bangga sekali bisa memperoleh poster Alanis yang merupakan cover album ‘Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie’ (1998) dengan tanda tangan tercetak diatasnya. Poster itu masih ada di rumah Medan sampai sekarang. Mama sepertinya tak pernah sampai hati untuk membuangnya.

Aku punya DVD (atau VCD ya?) berisi documenter tentang perjalanan karirnya, juga ada lagu-lagu, interview, serta cuplikan-cuplikan konser, termasuk yang di Jakarta. Juga ada potongan-potongan rekaman live, termasuk ‘No Pressure Over Cappucino’ yang diambil di Navajo Nation ini. 


And you’re like a 90’s noah 


And they laughed at you when you packed all of your things 

And they wonder why you’re frustrated 

And they wonder why you’re so angry 

And is it just me or are you fed up?



And may god bless you in your travels in your conquests and queries...

2012: the unfinished.

I left 2012 in anger. Indescribable anger that I refuse to let go. And sadness. A deep deep sadness that rooted in too many broken promises.

To be brutally honest: life is a bitch. There are so many evils out there, so many bad intentions, and too many self-centered and holier-than-thou pricks.

I tried the mantra: that everything is going to be okay. That I should have happy thoughts. That this is just a phase. That I just need a nice dinner, or a new pair of shoes or bags, and a movie to feel better. That people don’t really know what they are doing, so I should not take things seriously. That I should forget and forgive. That anger will only eat me alive. That I should let go. That everything is going to be okay.

But guess what. It’s not working. By now, I understand how tiring it is to always think positive. How hard it is to find silver lining. How impossible it is to fix the world we live in.

That even my loved ones took me for granted. That even those people i admire and look up to are ‘just the same’. And friends, well… I am lost for words. Shocking? At first, yes. But the more I digest it, the more I understand.

That sometimes, I just have to give in. To admit that I am furious. And disappointed. To cry and scream. To feel bad. Or even to hate.

Instead of holding those ‘bad’ feelings, pushed them to the deep deep vault of the heart, I choose to release them. I am a human being, not a saint. This is me being angry. And sad. And disappointed. And sad.

And when all of those feelings are out, I’ll feel empty. And numb for a while. And by then I will understand, that nobody’s perfect. Including me. That if I want to be really really honest, I am not much different from the people I condemned. That I might do the same if I’m in their shoes. That I just have to live with that, no matter how scary it sounds. But at least I’m being honest.

I’m welcoming 2013. Bring it on.

Lebaran

Mengatakan maaf itu gampang. Tapi, sesungguhnya ada luka yang sulit sembuh. Seringkali, luka macam ini bukan dari jenis yang menganga berdarah-darah. Ia justru berasal dari goresan-goresan kecil, namun terus menerus di tempat yang sama. Ia membuat bekas yang dalam.

Dan lebaran kali ini, aku belajar satu hal penting: tak ada gunanya berharap luka itu akan sembuh dan bekasnya hilang begitu saja. Karena pada akhirnya, ia adalah bagian dari diri. Luka itu adalah kita sendiri. Maka, memaafkan diri sendiri, menjadi satu-satunya cara yang masuk akal untuk berdamai dengan hati.

Selamat Lebaran.
Semoga hati kita selalu cukup lapang untuk memaafkan, walau masih ada luka disana.