I left 2012 in anger. Indescribable anger that I refuse to let go. And sadness. A deep deep sadness that rooted in too many broken promises.
To be brutally honest: life is a bitch. There are so many evils out there, so many bad intentions, and too many self-centered and holier-than-thou pricks.
I tried the mantra: that everything is going to be okay. That I should have happy thoughts. That this is just a phase. That I just need a nice dinner, or a new pair of shoes or bags, and a movie to feel better. That people don’t really know what they are doing, so I should not take things seriously. That I should forget and forgive. That anger will only eat me alive. That I should let go. That everything is going to be okay.
But guess what. It’s not working. By now, I understand how tiring it is to always think positive. How hard it is to find silver lining. How impossible it is to fix the world we live in.
That even my loved ones took me for granted. That even those people i admire and look up to are ‘just the same’. And friends, well… I am lost for words. Shocking? At first, yes. But the more I digest it, the more I understand.
That sometimes, I just have to give in. To admit that I am furious. And disappointed. To cry and scream. To feel bad. Or even to hate.
Instead of holding those ‘bad’ feelings, pushed them to the deep deep vault of the heart, I choose to release them. I am a human being, not a saint. This is me being angry. And sad. And disappointed. And sad.
And when all of those feelings are out, I’ll feel empty. And numb for a while. And by then I will understand, that nobody’s perfect. Including me. That if I want to be really really honest, I am not much different from the people I condemned. That I might do the same if I’m in their shoes. That I just have to live with that, no matter how scary it sounds. But at least I’m being honest.
I’m welcoming 2013. Bring it on.